Friday, August 7, 2015

Driving in Sicily

Yah, I know, it's been a while.  Lots of personal stuff going on since April.  Including a trip to Sicily.  More on that sometime, but for now -- this is for you, future traveller.  What I Learned About Driving In Sicily:

• Stop signs and stop lights are suggestions only.  Nobody ever stops.  Ever.
• Same goes for speed limits.  If the carabinieri are not actively shooting radar and taking pictures of offenders, consider whatever road you're on to be the Autobahn.
• It is impossible to tailgate in Sicily.  For the simple reason that it is impossible to be too close to the car in front of you.  Climb on in to their trunk if you can.
• The passing lane is JUST FOR PASSING.  As soon as you pass, get out of it.  If you sense that the guy behind you wants to pass, hug the shoulder.  Do not hog the left lane.  It won't be tolerated.  As soon as you pass, get back over into the right lane.  Immediately.  Otherwise you are going to majorly piss off other drivers.  And these people have shotguns.  Just saying.
• Want to pass on a blind curve?  No problem!  People will mostly get out of your way.  Mostly.  Why not make the drive even more interesting?  So give it a shot!
• Not strictly directly related to driving, but worth a mention:  there are no toilet seats in any public restroom.  They have all been inexplicably removed.  Too much trouble to clean?  Always being stolen?  Who knows?!?
• Exit strategies are a must on narrower roads.  You never know when you're going to round a bend and find an oncoming herd of cattle being chased forward by a team of little tiny dogs.  Always know where the gaps are in the walls that are otherwise trapping you so that you can back into a field and let the cows go by.  And the tiny dogs.
(Luckily there was a gap in the wall we could duck into.  These cows meant business.)

• Having an urgent crisis of a sexual-encounter nature?  Is the Farmacia closed for siesta?  Not to worry.  Just drive right onto the sidewalk and hit the condom machine.
(Not just one machine, no -- you have a choice!)

One of the machines is clearly marked with the universal symbol of urgent need for a condom, the Playboy Bunny.  A sure sign of quality!

Have fun and -- happy driving!

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