• We don't need gun control. Just stop selling bullets on the Internet and I'll be thrilled. Especially if you're selling them in lots of 3,000 to loons.
• Americans need to stop worrying about non-issues like gay marriage. I don't care who gets married to whom, as long as you both love each other and don't hurt the kids in your life. If you feel the uncontrollable urge to hurt your kids, though, I don't care what your orientation is, you need to grab your Second Amendment pistol and take one for the team.
• Finally, and I can't say this often enough, or loudly enough, or firmly enough: If you're driving a car or a truck or any other vehicle, put the effing phone down before you kill somebody. You want to off yourself, that's your business, but find a way to do it without involving any of the rest of us. (And for all the car manufacturers who are, for all intents and purposes, installing iPads on the dashboards of new cars, I hope Dante comes up with a brand-new special circle of Hell for you. I shudder at the thought of how many people are going to die because you just HAD to put Pandora on a touch screen above the gearshift.)
Thank you, and good night.