• When you are eliminated from a dancing competition (yes, Brandon on So You Think You Can Dance, I'm talking about you) please try to refrain from thanking your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It's offensive to those of us who don't believe, and believe me, if He's out there, He already knows how you feel.
• We don't need gun control. Just stop selling bullets on the Internet and I'll be thrilled. Especially if you're selling them in lots of 3,000 to loons.
• Americans need to stop worrying about non-issues like gay marriage. I don't care who gets married to whom, as long as you both love each other and don't hurt the kids in your life. If you feel the uncontrollable urge to hurt your kids, though, I don't care what your orientation is, you need to grab your Second Amendment pistol and take one for the team.
• Finally, and I can't say this often enough, or loudly enough, or firmly enough: If you're driving a car or a truck or any other vehicle, put the effing phone down before you kill somebody. You want to off yourself, that's your business, but find a way to do it without involving any of the rest of us. (And for all the car manufacturers who are, for all intents and purposes, installing iPads on the dashboards of new cars, I hope Dante comes up with a brand-new special circle of Hell for you. I shudder at the thought of how many people are going to die because you just HAD to put Pandora on a touch screen above the gearshift.)
Thank you, and good night.
• America, it is no longer the Nineteenth Century. Please stop stringing your power lines on WOODEN POLES. Especially if you're going to continue to deny global warming and let us have those wonderful "derecho" storms. I personally cannot take a week without power in hundred degree weather. (That's 37 degrees C. to the rest of the world.)
• We don't need gun control. Just stop selling bullets on the Internet and I'll be thrilled. Especially if you're selling them in lots of 3,000 to loons.
• Americans need to stop worrying about non-issues like gay marriage. I don't care who gets married to whom, as long as you both love each other and don't hurt the kids in your life. If you feel the uncontrollable urge to hurt your kids, though, I don't care what your orientation is, you need to grab your Second Amendment pistol and take one for the team.
• Finally, and I can't say this often enough, or loudly enough, or firmly enough: If you're driving a car or a truck or any other vehicle, put the effing phone down before you kill somebody. You want to off yourself, that's your business, but find a way to do it without involving any of the rest of us. (And for all the car manufacturers who are, for all intents and purposes, installing iPads on the dashboards of new cars, I hope Dante comes up with a brand-new special circle of Hell for you. I shudder at the thought of how many people are going to die because you just HAD to put Pandora on a touch screen above the gearshift.)
Thank you, and good night.
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